Mr. Too shy guy
“I’m not gonna rape you.”
The moment those words came out of my mouth, what followed was a deluge of bad taste.
How low can a cougar go? And since when did I need sex so much that I’d have to deal with a deer in headlights?
Again, this has proven that what we see online isn’t what we get. I didn’t expect this. This was definitely a curveball in my books. Or was it that I wasn’t listening well and didn’t read the signs when it came straight at me?
Crash, bang, and burn.
Except the banging wasn’t much, and there definitely wasn’t a burn after. Barely a scratch on my body but a total dent on my ego.
I watched him, feeling, for once, like the big cat that was my namesake. My Bambi, with his big eyes and cute but hot looks and body, was scampering left and right. He was getting closer to the hotel window and looking out of the eighteenth floor.
“Dude. Don’t jump,” I said.
He looked at me confused.
Great. A joke lost. But, this was bad. Really bad.
Bad for the mojo and for all my plans I had that night. My ego was bleeding out. Was I that scary that this Korean guy had to be afraid of me?
What on earth did he think I was? And what about those long conversations we had, with him asking me hundreds of questions about myself and what we’d do when we met, went to?
I thought he had potential.
Our vid sex sessions were fun. He was just the right age at twenty-six, cute and naughty. In our vid chats, he told me what he wanted to see, led me to what he wanted, showed his dick first most of the time, and watched eagerly when I cummed.
So, where was that guy I was pining to meet? Counting down the months till we could finally do the deed and go out to eat and play ping pong and teach me Halli Gali as he promised.
Yes, he said he was busy studying, and his hours were spent studying or commuting. Before that, he was working long hours, part-timing different jobs to earn enough to move to Seoul. He had plans. He graduated but was going to work in IT instead. Hence, the cram classes.
Tonight, he said he’d be tired from the twelve hours of studying and asked if we could go crazy with sex, and that he could rest too. I said, of course. I wanted to meet him more than anything, and this second trip, sneaking to Seoul after leaving, was my last chance to see him till next year. I missed seeing him the first time when my plane landed in Seoul in June.
He was the first person I was supposed to meet, but he had classes that day, and I was jet-lagged from flying from California. I waited for him in my hotel and didn’t hear him calling my phone. He waited fifteen minutes downstairs because he needed a key card to go up the elevator, and because he was afraid someone he knew would spot him, he left.
The rest of the ten days after, our schedules didn’t align, and then he fell sick, so sick he had to go to the hospital. I flew off without even a proper goodbye. When I found enough miles for a free airplane ticket, I flew back to see him since I was still in Asia.
I wasn’t expecting this — him hugging himself tight, backing into the room, as skittish as a doe. “I’m so shy," he said again for the zillionth time.
“Why? What are you doing?” I said, standing at the doorway of my hotel room, having closed the door and taken off my shoes as all good Asian people do.
“I’m so shy. So very shy," he said, smiling sheepishly at me.
“Are you for real?” I watched him back further into the dark corner until the curtains rubbed against his back.
He tripped over the tall standing lamp.
“You okay?” I took a step forward, and he steadied the lamp and crossed his arms again.
“Really. I’m very shy. I never did this before?”
“Did what?” I said. “You never met people before?” Yes, I pretended dumb.
“No…no…I mean…” he hesitated, I could see he was looking for the right English word. “This is my first time with a…a…stranger.”
“Stranger?” I leaned against the wall, staying in the corridor, assessing him. “We have known each other for…what? Maybe six, seven months?”
“Yeah…but…” He smiled…”I’m very shy.” He hugged himself more.
Was he role-playing? I tried to recall if he ever role-played with me when we vid-chatted.
No. I shook my head.
“Dude. I’m not going to pounce on you. Seriously. Stop hugging yourself. I won’t hurt you.” I gestured my finger at him.
He laughed softly. “I know. I know…” He scooted to the window away from the corner. His arms still crisscrossed over his chest.
I didn’t tell him this. What’s the point?
His behavior was a total letdown. This night was turning horrid. His behavior like this wasn’t sexy at all.
Roadkill. It was time to bail.
Again, my second trip to rectify the first Summer mistake of Korea was becoming a disaster. I didn’t want to leave Asia when summer ended, and I regretted going to Seoul. When I left in June, I was crying, a mess, and hating myself, the guys who jilted me, and the whole bloody situation.
I told myself I was going to seize control of my life and my situation. I wanted to exert the independence I’d lost and do some more of the things I wanted to do this time, even though I only had two and a half days to do them.
“Put your hands down,” I said.
“I’m so shy," he said.
“Do you want to leave? You can go.” I gestured to the door.
He dropped his arms. “I came here after school to see you.”
I nodded and sat at the edge of the bed furthest from him. Now I’m wondering if maybe he was playing. “But you look like you don’t want to be here.”
He shook his head. “No.” He said firmly, “I want to see you.”
“Okay, you have seen me.”
He grabbed his bag from the chair. “It’s a long day. Can I shower first?”
“Of course.” I gestured with my hand to the bathroom.
“I’m still shy," he smiled at me, and I watched him give me a berth as he rushed to the bathroom.
I sighed. At that time, he was the first to behave like that. Subsequently, I’d met a few more guys like him, though not as extreme.
Shyness, nervousness, “It’s my first time.” They all said that, yet wanted to touch and experiment with me as I was a “thing” they’d never feel again.
And they were right. And not to boast, I was a gem impossible to find. Only a few in the thousands could have this memory with me, and yet, when seized, none had cherished this special time as much as their words implied.
I was always left dusty and a little sad. Perhaps this baby cougar was not cut out to be a callous succubus.
The door clicked. Of course, he’d lock it. As disappointment set in, I contemplated what to do.
He came out ten minutes later. I hadn’t moved from where I sat, i.e., at the corner of the bed. I watched him slip past me in his white T-shirt and grey cotton track pants. His hair was wet and ruffled.
“My hair is long. I need a haircut," he said touching his dripping strands, still shyly blushing.
“Your hair looks good,” I smiled.
One thing I noticed. The Koreans like to talk about how they look. It was part of the conversation, perhaps an icebreaker to get the approval they needed.
Korean beauty standards. They take pride in it and are bothered by that. In addition to that, long hours of studying, work, and low pay, it is a struggle to survive in Seoul. Coming from where I am where people the same age were getting a better standard of living, this here was a tough life.
He put on his glasses. “You look cute,” I smiled.
He blushed, “No, no, no…”
It was my turn, and I washed up too, even though I’d done it before he arrived. And when I came out with my towel, he was still sitting in the armchair by the window, looking at his phone, like a young boy when he was already twenty-six.
Well, at least his arms were not across from him anymore.
“Did you eat?” I asked. I figured staying on course with the cordial Asian speak was safer than the somewhat tense undercurrent under my veins.
I wasn’t joking when I said he looked cute. I guess I had a thing for cute and hot, feeding into the dreams of many females in all parts of the world — a nation of avid Kpop, kdrama fans and followers.
And right now, I have my own. In the flesh. This dear Bambi was good enough to eat.
He had longish hair brushing over his big eyes (unusual for Koreans). He was about six feet tall, lean, with a nice fit body, wide shoulders, and abs. I could see his biceps under his thin white T-shirt. Nothing was tight, yet everything hugged his pale body. I already knew what was under that layer of cloth, but couldn’t deny being eager to see it in the flesh.
“I ate at school," he looked up, and our eyes matched.
I climbed up the bed, slowly, and sat down closer to him. His back straightened as we stared at each other two feet apart.
“Good…” My eyes dropped to his lips. “So now how? Are you still scared?”
He shook his head and got up from the chair. “I’m not scared.”
I backed away when he pulled at the covers and got under them. I did the same, our eyes not leaving each other.
“Is this your first time?” I asked.
“No, I had a girlfriend before.”
“One?” I asked.
“No. Two," he said.
“So, why are you shy?”
“Not like this…like you…," he said.
Now, it began to make sense. “Am I too much?”
I turned to get out and he reached over and grabbed my arm. “I need a little time.”
He pulled me to him and kissed me. His hands went out fast, threading under my black satin robe and to the lingerie I was wearing. Peeling under my lace and cupping my smooth white breast, rubbing at my erect pink nipple.
His mouth dropped from my lips as his head dipped down. His wet hair brushed my hot face as his tongue flicked in circles around my areole before he covered his mouth over the tip and sucked me.
Each time he tugged on me, my pussy tingled. His hand moved, stroking my smooth skin like a snake sliding down, reaching the hottest part of my body and playing with my baby soft hair below before rubbing his finger on my most sensitive spot.
I arched back as he sucked harder, switching now from breast to breast, like a hungry baby wanting all and everything to himself.
Where was that timid deer? This was a young buck searching for his own forest. When his fingers entered mine, I pushed him back. Landing on top of him, with my thighs gripping his sides, staring down into his Bambi eyes.
“I thought you were shy,” I said.
He grinned. “I am shy.”
I kissed his mouth, and he took mine passionately. Tongues clash in a game of dance.
My mouth pulled back to his bottom lip, and I kissed him slowly down his chin to his Adam’s apple, his neck, my hair tickling his skin. I let my tongue with saliva trailing onto the tight buds of his nipples. I opened wide and sucked one, and seeing how he wasn’t as sensitive, I moved on, treading slowly so I wouldn’t scare my prey, until I reached his erection — tall, hard, and silky. I ran my fingers up and down his shaft, and then I took his cock in my mouth.
He gasped. Each time I pulled up and dropped back down, he gasped.
“Yuki…Yuki…” His hands grabbed my hair, pushing my head deep into him, making me swallow him further, deep-throating with each thrust.
The too-shy guy was finally gone, replaced by the man I knew from the months of vid sexting. He asked for a condom, and doggy fucked me and said he was too tired to continue. Soon after, he was sleeping.
But the cougar was still hungry. Staring at her prey, waiting through the night as time crept on.
A night had passed. It was one of my two and a half days in this country. Wasted time and opportunities.
There was no night sex. No morning after sex.
Even though he told me he was tired, I was still hoping and expecting that after twelve hours, there would be something more. But there wasn’t.
Although he apologized the next day for not waking to have breakfast with me, for leaving early after he got up, and for not doing anything he’d promised he would do, like going on a date, etc, the emptiness he left behind was sour. Like the rest of those men, his words were strings of promises broken like thin threads in a web of lies.
Maybe I was expecting too much. Dreams and reality were never meant to coincide. In this second trip to Seoul, the bubble kept deflating.
My mission proved true. There was no kdrama life. No perfect romance and happily ever after.
Not even friends with benefits could get a meal just as buddies. Was it I or them who wanted more?