Eyes on Me
He said I’m meant for homemade porn. If he were to film me, that was what he’d do.
Shin. He called himself god. Should have known it came with an ego to match. He was my one-night stand whom I met on Bumble. My appointments were canceled that day, with two guys whom I was excited to meet who said had work deadlines. I had seven days in Seoul and I didn’t want to waste any day of it. In my mind, the marathon was on, and I was determined to check off as many orgasms as I could fit.
Saturday was when H left. Three days earlier than scheduled. He didn’t want to be in Seoul and wanted to be in Japan which was his dream vacation. Who could blame him? I felt terrible that he went to Seoul first because he was worried about me being alone.
It wasn’t right. This Korean sex marathon was on my bucket list and not his. I bought him a ticket and assured him I’d be fine. We said our goodbyes, and he went his way, and I kept to mine. I wanted to believe distance would make our love stronger. Sex would satisfy our needs to seize our lives and live with no regrets.
“You’re greedy. You won’t change. This is who you are.” H said.
Was he right? How about him? He hated his life. He wanted out, and I wanted him, above all else, to be happy.
“Like Batman I have to protect my identity,” I said to my new fish, Shin. He laughed. I scored a killer. My jokes hit me like the thrill of giving a guy an erection.
“Do you visit Seoul time to time?” Shin asked.
“Every year.” I replied. “So sad.”
“Cool. Not that bad. I can see you every year," he replied.
“I spend most summers in Singapore.” I said.
“Ons is like test drive," he said.
“What do you mean?”
“So you wanna meet?" he asked.
“I’m looking for a FWB.” I said.
“I mean not buying a car. Test drive only," he said. “You can only spend one night with me. You said your schedule is full. And I’m looking for FWB too.”
And so we met at a coffee shop. Usually, it’d take at least two weeks of chatting and vid chats to know a guy, but my sex addiction was strong, and I didn’t want to waste any spare time I had.
“You found the place.” He said when he saw me. I was lost, and the Google map brought me to a roundabout when I realized later there was a shortcut. I was late and kept apologizing.
We stared at each other.
I was blushing and hot from the summer air outside, wearing my tight white T-shirt and yoga pants with my green T-panty under. Sweat seeping between my breasts.
This guy was a total stranger, and I wasn’t sure how things would play out. I didn’t feel the need to dress up because we were supposed to chat first.
“Okay, let’s go.” He stood up.
“Go?” I was just about to sit. “Go where?” At nine p.m. on a Saturday, the cafe was packed, and there were young people everywhere. Some couples and others were friends having a warm night out.
I was envious. This was the life I wanted to live, and I wondered why we never did those things when my husband and I were younger. Time flew with work and then family. These were roses I didn’t get to smell.
“Yes,” Shin gestured, picking up his stuff from the table. “Come. Let’s go to your hotel.” I turned to him; the moment snapped as I stared at this new stranger, confused.
He walked out first, and I followed him. He kept his pace fast, and I could barely keep up. There was no time to talk or get to know him, and my heart was speeding up. I knew I was risking meeting a guy I’d not met online for long. He was dominant and confident — a man used to pushing through his ideas — a bulldozer.
He was hot and intense. Standing beside him, the electrons were sizzling. The attraction was live wire, and when we returned to my hotel room, my worries were pushed aside.
He stood by the little hotel table and dropped his keys and sunglasses. I was nervous as hell. We locked eyes and stared at each other unflinchingly.
“Now what?” I squeaked. I looked away first. “I don’t usually do this.”
“When did you come to Korea?" he asked, his eyes still pinned on mine.
I bit my lip and wrung my hands. “On Monday. I was in Seoul till Wednesday and then in Busan for two days. I got back today…” my voice dropped.
“And your husband? He flew off today?” I could see him giving me the once-over.
I nodded.
“And your family is downstairs?" he gestured.
I nodded and swallowed.
He took the first step toward me, and I scooted to the bench at the foot of the bed. Climbed onto it like a mouse, perched and watched him nervously.
“I didn’t bring condoms. I wasn’t expecting this.” He said. “Tomorrow would be better, but…”
“I only have tonight,” I said. “I have condoms.”
He nodded.
“You wanted to meet me," he said.
“You wanted to meet me, too,” I replied.
“Yes…I was curious.” His voice dropped. “I liked the pics you sent.”
“Me too…curious,” I replied.
His eyes were coffee brown. Still pinning onto me while I kept trying to look away.
“I thought we said we would get to know each other first…” I whispered.
“You want me. I can see you’re horny, and you want me…” He bent down suddenly and caged me with his arms. It was a K-drama moment. I lost my ability to speak.
“I don’t like to be one of the guys. How many have you fucked?”
I swallowed. “Three.”
He crossed his arms and pulled his white shirt off.
I looked down at his chest. Muscled and with a tattoo on his arm. I swallowed. “What’s that?” I pointed to his arm with the Chinese words inked in blue on his bicep.
He glanced down. “It means a great director flying up in the sky.”
A film director. That was his dream. Since his high school days, he and his friends prepared for this, except when reality hit, he competed with other bigger advertising companies, applying his skills to advertising campaigns instead of a movie.
Connections. Budget. Hollywood. Being International. All that made the difference between a frog in a well v.s. a shark in the ocean.
He was a type “A.” Proud of his achievements, and rightly so, from the snippets he showed me and his talk about his business after our sexy time. Work enveloped his life. The cesspool of an industry that connections meant a lot in was a never-ending battle.
He took to sex like his work — hard, fast, and serious. Even though he didn’t say it, I could feel his intention. My orgasm was his goal, and he’d do anything to achieve that. We fucked the usual ways, but he always preferred missionary. Legs up, legs side, I was his pretzel, and like a baker, he’d pound me well to perfection.
I tried to tell him that I needed that slow touch. The rubbings on my spot could work better wonders. But we’d skipped a bunch of steps in my seduction playbook. There was a reason why I had to take my time so the guys would know what I liked. I would know their fetishes and how our play would go down.
And what was the seduction playbook?
I had a plan. Steps to follow to get to the ultimate orgasm. In the old days, those Byeontae games and boobs flashing got to the guy’s ejaculation within an hour. But after Ometv, dating apps with their plus points of profiles and no sneaky YouTubers, were tricky in their own ways. The apps took matched likes and quirks and swiping previews filled with filtered photographs of cool and hot guys, leading you on for what you gonna get. With catfishing was an eighty-twenty chance that the person you see online was whom you were going to meet.
Shin told no lies. He was as he had shown himself to be. Because he was clear-cut, a blade of precision, I let him lead.
Back to the hotel room and my first awkwardness, breaths after the seconds we walked in. Before I could ask further, Shin bent and took my mouth. His lips were hot and tasted of coffee. Everything sped up fast, darting like the speed of light. I recalled twisting around and climbing further on the bench to my bed. Him pulling my pants down, and my green t-panty caught with my pants, exposing my ass to him instantly.
He pounced on me, grabbing my hips to his hard cock. I grabbed my pants and laughed as I pulled my panties back. We struggled, and I gave in. We did doggy first, followed by the other positions. Between bodies of sweat and hot and heavy breaths, I kept my eyes closed and only opened once in a while to see him staring right at me.
Eyes on me. He never looked away. Not once. Even though my sight was blinded by the darkness I chose to keep, I could feel him watching.
In those few hours we spent together in bed and showered, he kept staring. We looked at the mirror facing us. Two unlikely people coming together one weekend night. I wondered what would happen after that.
Those eyes. His eyes. Coffee-brown and deep. He wasn’t the typical Korean guy. He could be both Chinese and Korean. Not that it mattered what his history was. All I wanted to know then was what he was thinking and what he wanted after. We chatted more after my orgasm.
Our hours passed fast. And as quickly as he dropped in, he said he had to leave. He told me that I’d miss him and would wish to see him again.
I scoffed at his confidence. I had lots of sex and was accumulating my partners, and I would say we had a great time, but it wasn’t mind-blowing. But it took me to realize I’d misunderstood his words.
My online one-sided chats grew cold. As always, I tried to lure him with those scandalous pictures, and when those baits didn’t work, I figured that one-night stand would be as it was — a test drive.
Sending more texts to an empty well, which I knew he’d seen because Kakao showed when a text was read but he had left unanswered. “Why?” I asked myself. “Why are you doing this? Did this mean he won?”
The psychology of the dating game. He said he was insulted that I texted him again, but didn’t offer a second time together. I told him I was thinking of him. But, thinking of him wasn’t enough. Actions spoke.
Words left unsaid after. Hurts adding to the wounds. A thin line between friends and lovers. A one-night which should’ve mattered less. So where was this leading? Why did I pine for someone I didn’t know?
Ghosting. The one thing I hated about Korea. But, it could be unfairly blamed because most of the guys I spoke to and the girl I wanted to be friends with came from this country. I was used to face-to-face confrontations. Opinions that if you didn’t like something, you said it. It was distasteful, but if it needed to be done, it had to be said. Closures were made by adults.
Promises made, friendships you thought you had, and then suddenly, you got blocked, dropped, black-listed, and you didn’t know why, nor could you apologize for your mistakes.
My heart was a living organ. Each block, each drop, each action with no explanation grew ugly tentacles that insidiously ate into the bright lights in my chest. I, who lived in a bubble, was a beam of hope and happiness. I gave them freely, endlessly to my family, friends, and people I cared for, and even to strangers like these men whom I barely knew, I gave a part of me.
“You’re growing mean,” H said.
“Each time my heart is stabbed, I became steel,” I told a guy whom I thought shared a bond of friendship.
“You’re too soft.” The guy said. “You need to have a wall to protect yourself.” I thought he was talking about the hard time he was having at work and the hyper-competitive society in Seoul. I gave him my ear and listened to his troubles. Though I couldn't solve them, I’d hoped that my presence gave him some comfort.
Had I known he was talking about me and what he’d do next, I wouldn’t have brushed aside his advice. Maybe it was my fault for texting him late at night, again forgetting the time difference, and Kakao didn’t let me retrieve my messages the second I sent them. I knew I needed to be less impulsive, but did that warrant a block and drop?
A wall needed to be built. Lessons needed to be learned. “If you want to play this game, you must be prepared for hurt,” H said.
A cougar didn’t plead. A queen didn’t bow. One-night stands. It happened anywhere. Even when you thought there was chemistry
Only time will tell. Will Shin be back as he promised? A year was coming. Was what we had that night a race car or a racetrack?
Whichever. Who cared now? Metal caged my pounding heart. I was a boat, and though my sea was rocky, it was always full of fish.
Update: It was June 2024. A year later.
I saw him! I was on Bumble as a profile to swipe while I was in Seoul. It was as if the gods above or the spirits wanted this to happen, and if I was romantically inclined, it was close to the date that we met the year before, give or take a day.
I was too excited. I couldn’t believe my luck. It had to be fate to bring me back to him again. Being impulsive, I did the one thing my fingers were programmed to do. I swiped right.
Damn. It was a stupid move.
It was too late to correct that one mistake. I should have sent him a special note. Saying I was back and ready to fuck, round two. He might or might not have seen it. His kakaotalk had disappeared when I unblocked him out of curiosity.
And, like Buddy, Shin had vanished into the abyss. Only time will tell again if we are meant to meet. Maybe waiting another Summer wasn’t that big a deal. I told him I’d find him again when this book became famous. He promised to make a trailer out of this for me at a reasonable market price.
If I became extremely successful, I’d hire him to direct and make this into a movie, propelling our racecar ONS into dreams come true.
Another year. It isn’t as if I didn’t have time. Right. Every year brings me closer to the dreaded mid-century crisis.
Wdym? Nothing. Denial is my best friend cos I’m forever thirty-five.